Forget the Big Day; a Bengali wedding is more like a Big Month! The various customs and rituals involved means that weddings can easily last for weeks on end, starting with the Paka Kotha (final word) ceremony, during which the date of the wedding is fixed by both families, and culminating in the Bou Bhat ceremony a few days after the official wedding day.
1. Kabin Nama
The family of the prospective bride and groom meet at either side’s house to discuss marriage. The bride’s elders will outline their terms and conditions, including how much gold and money they expect for their daughter. Once everything is clear, a Kabin Nama (marriage contract) is drawn up, detailing all that was discussed. The Kabin Nama acts as a pre-nup, so in the event of a divorce the bride is financially secure.
2. The Bridal Nikkah
The bride’s family kick-start the celebrations with an engagement party for their daughter. Some members of the groom’s family will go along bearing gifts for the bride and everyone sits down to decide on a suitable wedding date.
Then comes the Nikkah, which men and women complete separately. The bride will have hers at home, attended by a maulvi (priest) and the groom’s side will send gold, clothing and other expensive gifts. Grooms can have their Nikkah before the wedding, but it will be held in the mosque, or on the same day of the wedding.
3. Mehndi Party
In Bengali culture, the Mehndi party is an all-out extravagant affair.
A huge venue is hired, the finest caterers are booked and décor and music is on hand to help get the pre-wedding party well and truly started.
There may be more than one Mehndi artist at the party depending on the size of the celebration, as guests sometimes was a simple pattern inked onto their palms or the back of their hands as part of the wedding celebrations.
However, it’s the bride who is the belle of this particular ball.?She will have intricate patterns traced onto her hands (usually right the way up to her elbows) and over the tops of her feet and be fed drinks, sweets and snacks by her family and friends while the henna dries.
Female members from the groom’s family are welcome, and they usually go bearing more gifts for the bride and her family.
4. Gifts of gold
It’s the groom’s responsibility to ensure his betrothed has all the suitable attire for the upcoming nuptials, including the Mehndi party. He provides all the bride’s outfits, makeup, accessories and other expenses for each event, including the wedding day and the Walima afterwards. He’s also supposed to provide five gorgeous saris for his new bride to wear after the wedding.
5. Holding the Gate
When the groom arrives at the venue, the bride’s side will block his entry and demand a fee for him to get through. It’s usually the younger guests who take part in Holding the Gate; jostling the groom, throwing confetti and playfully refusing entry. There’s plenty of bartering between the two groups, so while the gate-holders may start at £2000, a skilled negotiator can get the price down to £500.
6. Groom’s Nikkah
The couple must stay apart until both have signed their Nikkah, so if the groom chooses to have his on the wedding day, the bride will wait in another room until it’s complete. Once he’s made his entrance to the wedding stage a maulvi will be waiting to carry out his Nikkah. After he accepts the terms of marriage, the maulvi asks the congregation to bless the union before the bride enters to join her new husband on-stage. They’re both blessed and are officially husband and wife.
7. Drinking Sherbet
Once the knot has officially been tied, it’s traditional for the bride’s sister-in-law to present the newlyweds with a sip of something sweet as a sign of goodwill for a happy life ahead.
Normally this will be a delicious combination of milk flavoured with rose water or rose syrup, served in heritage glassware that could have been in the family for generations. The bride and groom toast to each other as the wedding party wishes them a long and happy life together.
8. The Wedding Feast
Unusually, there are two top tables in a Bengali wedding; one each for the bride and groom.
The groom will sit apart from his new wife and eat from the same thaal (plate) as his brothers and male relatives while the bride will do the same with her female family members.
Some of the bride’s younger relatives, such as her sisters and cousins, may go over and playfully feed the newest member of their family to welcome him into the fold.
9. Giving away the bride
The newlyweds return to the stage after the feast so that the bride’s parents can officially give away their daughter and take the opportunity for a few final pictures before she departs.
As with other cultures, this moment is highly emotional as it marks the end of the bride’s ‘childhood’ and the beginning of her new chapter as a wife, mother and householder. For his part, the groom promises his new in-laws that he will do everything he can to love, protect and provide for his wife for the rest of their married lives together.
10. Vidaai
Amid much hugging and crying, the bride departs hand-in-hand with her husband to her new home where she is greeted by his family. Once her emotions are back in check, her in-laws will feed the newlyweds traditional mithai (sweets) and give her money as a small token. The bride will usually be accompanied by her younger sister or a friend as a chaperone. The Bou Bhaat, also known as the Walima, traditionally takes place a few days afterwards but these days families prefer celebrating in one go.
Photos by: Pictur That Photography • +44(0)203 6332 627 • www.picturthat.com